How to Add More Intimacy to Your Sex Life
By: Dr. Denise Renye
People often use the word “intimate” or “intimacy” as a euphemism for sex but sometimes sex can be as intimate as a handshake. How do you add more intimacy to your sex life, if you’d like that? As a Marin County sex therapist, this is one of my areas of expertise and I’m happy to support you in seeking more intimacy in your sex life.
First, it’s important to remember that the mind and body are connected, as much as our society likes to pretend they’re separate. Thanks a lot, Descartes, for centuries of embodiment confusion! Understand that emotional intimacy feeds physical intimacy and vice versa. How do you have more emotional intimacy? The simple but not always easy answer is to share how you feel, what you fear, what you dream about. This is assumptive that you are able to identify your feelings and then be able to communicate them. But there are other specific, concrete things you can do to create more intimacy in your sex life.
Communicate More (Even More!)
You knew I was going to say communication, right? Communication is the cornerstone of a fulfilling sex life. That means bringing more consciousness or awareness into your sex life. Share your desires, your fantasies, and your preferences. Some questions you can discuss are:
· What really gets you going in bed?
· What things are total turn-offs?
· What do you want me to do more or less of?
· How often do you want to get busy between the sheets?
· What makes sex feel special and connected for you?
· Anything that feels like it’s missing?
· Got any new sexy ideas you want to try out?
Without these answers, sex can be filled with assumptions and expectations. Don’t worry if your preferences are outside the bounds of “traditional” or “vanilla” sex. There’s nothing wrong with kinks and fetishes and instead, a lot that’s right. As I’ve written about, engaging in ethical fetishes or kink can be healing for trauma.
Spend Time Together Outside the Bedroom
It’s a simple question, but are you spending quality time together outside the bedroom? If you and your sexual partner(s) rarely interact, it can be hard to create more intimacy. Intimacy requires closeness and vulnerability. If you’re only prioritizing being physical with one another, the emotional connection will likely be lacking.
To create more intimacy in your sex life, engage in activities you both enjoy doing to strengthen your emotional connection. Go for a hike, paint pottery together, ice skate – do something that allows you to bond in a nonsexual way. These shared experiences outside the bedroom can deepen your understanding of each other and build a stronger foundation for intimacy.
Engage in Nonsexual Touch
Similar to spending nonsexual time together, engage in nonsexual touch. Most people have a desire for healthy, physical touch, which is called skin hunger. Satisfying skin hunger can support intimacy and strengthen the emotional connection between partners. Don’t underestimate the power of simple gestures such as holding hands, cuddling, or gentle caresses.
Related to simple gestures are romantic gestures. Incorporate surprise notes, thoughtful gifts, or planned date nights into your relationship as these, too, support intimacy. These acts of thoughtfulness show your partner that you value and cherish them, fostering a deeper emotional connection and keeping the spark alive in your relationship.
Experiment
In my work as a Marin County sex therapist, I encourage my clients to experiment. Try something new in the bedroom (or kitchen table or wherever you like to get down!). Experimentation inherently creates vulnerability because you don’t know what the outcome will be. Whether it’s fun or not, trying different activities or fantasies can create a sense of adventure and shared exploration.
Consent always matters but it’s especially important when trying new things. What are each of you comfortable with? What is off-limits? Have those conversations in advance and that, too, will increase intimacy because again, it points back to communication.
Be Present
There are many jokes (and serious accounts) about how people check out during sex. They think of their to-do list or let their mind wander elsewhere. Doing so cuts off intimacy because intimacy is about closeness and connection. Don’t allow your inner critic to take over if your mind wanders but allow yourself to connect with your partner(s) by being present and in the moment. What sensations are you feeling? What emotions are bubbling up?
And if you find yourself checking out more often than not, it’s OK to pause or even stop the sexual encounter. You may be experiencing dissociation. This could be due to trauma, overwhelming stress, or possibly just not being interested in sex right now.
Related to being present with your partner(s) is focusing on mutual pleasure and satisfaction. As I often tell my clients in my work as a Marin County sex therapist: rethink your sex goals. Instead of racing to orgasm, focus on pleasure. Sure, orgasms are great, but how can you create more pleasure overall, not just at the very end?
Share Responsibility
An important piece to foster sexual intimacy is desire. Do all parties feel desired and pursued? Share the responsibility of initiating physical intimacy to promote equality. If one person is usually the one initiating sex, that can be a recipe for resentment and feeling disconnected. If you don’t know how to initiate, that’s OK. Simple ways to initiate sex can include non-verbal cues like lingering touches, passionate kisses, or suggestive glances that convey desire.
You could also try initiating physical closeness through cuddling or spooning, gradually escalating intimacy. Also, simply verbally expressing your desire with a flirtatious comment or whisper can be a straightforward way to signal your intentions. Remember, communication and consent are key, so be attuned to your partner's responses and always respect their boundaries.
Intimacy in your sex life extends beyond the bedroom. Showing affection and appreciation for your partner(s) in everyday situations is what allows you to maintain a strong connection. Small gestures like holding hands, giving compliments, or offering a loving touch throughout the day can reinforce the bond between you and keep the passion alive.
Something else that’s simple and involves the everyday is your physical space. Is your environment comfortable and inviting? If not, that can affect intimacy. Cleaning up the house can contribute to relaxation and thus connection. Or you could really go for it and learn “How to Build a Sex Room.”
To sum up, the key to a more intimate sex life is open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to explore and connect with your partner on multiple levels. It's important to understand each other's needs and desires and to create an environment that encourages trust and vulnerability.
If you’d like help with any of this, I’m a Marin County sex therapist, psychologist, and coach. Contact me about working together.
Journal Prompts
Reflect on a recent conversation with your partner about your needs and desires. How did it make you feel, and what did you learn about each other?
Write about a time when you felt truly connected and intimate with your partner. What factors contributed to that feeling of closeness?
Consider an area of your sex life where you’d like to explore or improve. How can you communicate this to your partner in a way that fosters trust and mutual respect?