Fear of Intimacy: A Seasoned Sex Therapist’s Perspective
By: Dr. Denise Renye
A man sits with his face and head in his hands, conveying feelings of vulnerability and the weight of emotional struggles related to intimacy and connection.
Intimacy is a fundamental aspect of human connection. In its simplest terms, intimacy could be defined as “into me see.” Intimacy requires vulnerability, which means sharing the raw, imperfect, flawed, messy part of yourself with someone else. However, doing so is a profound source of fear for many. As a seasoned Marin County sex therapist, I've seen how the fear of intimacy manifests in various forms, often as a muted backdrop of relationships, and how it can be a formidable barrier to achieving the deep, meaningful connections that so many desire.
Forms of Fear of Intimacy
Fear of intimacy often stems from past experiences—be it trauma, neglect, or rejection—that leads people to develop protective mechanisms against getting too close to others. Again, these mechanisms are protective because intimacy is viewed as a threat. If you learned that it’s dangerous to share your messy, flawed self because you were shamed for it, you won’t want others to see that side of you. If you learned that being vulnerable means people will take advantage of you, then of course you’ll avoid vulnerability (and thus intimacy) at all costs.
In my work as a seasoned Marin County sex therapist, I’ve seen people protect themselves if they are scared of intimacy in the following ways:
1. Emotional Avoidance: Some people find it challenging to express their feelings or share their innermost thoughts. Because of this, they might avoid deep conversations, deflect serious topics with humor, or change the subject when emotions run high. They do what they can not to be vulnerable and share what’s happening for them internally.
2. Physical Withdrawal: Others struggle with physical closeness because it’s proximity that scares them. This may manifest as shying away from affectionate gestures, finding excuses to avoid sexual encounters, or feeling discomfort when someone enters their personal space. Again, this is because physical closeness is what feels threatening.
3. Sabotaging Relationships: Fear of intimacy can also lead to self-sabotage. Someone scared of intimacy might push away a partner when the relationship starts to get serious, pick fights, or even end the relationship abruptly to avoid getting too close. This also applies to potential partners—someone who is scared of intimacy may suddenly cut off contact with a person for no discernible reason.
How Fear of Intimacy Looks in Relationships
In relationships, the fear of intimacy often results in a push-pull dynamic. One partner may crave closeness while the other pulls away and this leads to a cycle of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and frustration. This dynamic can cause significant strain, especially when the root cause—fear of intimacy—is not recognized or addressed. Some of this work may need to be addressed in individual therapy. It’s often typical for those in couples therapy to each have individual therapy as well.
A relationship affected by this fear of intimacy usually involves one partner who is consistently unavailable either emotionally or physically. They might be highly critical and keep their partner at arm’s length through constant nitpicking or by withholding affection. On the other hand, they might also be overly independent and insist on keeping aspects of their life completely separate from their partner such as finances, friendships, or living arrangements. It’s not uncommon for someone who is scared of intimacy to frequently make excuses for their behavior such as, “I’m really busy working on my house right now,” or, “I’m introverted and need alone time.” That’s not to say the person isn’t legitimately busy or introverted but if someone values connection and intimacy, they will make time for the person/people they care about.
An Example of Healing the Fear of Intimacy
As a Marin County sex therapist, I’ve worked with many individuals and couples over the years who grappled with fear of intimacy. I’ve put together a composite of several individuals to protect their privacy while at the same time demonstrating the fear of intimacy can be healed.
Jane, in her mid-40s, had been in a relationship with her partner, Alex, for three years. Despite their apparent compatibility and mutual affection, Jane felt increasingly distant from Alex and whenever Alex tried to discuss their future, Jane would feel a surge of anxiety. She nitpicked Alex’s habits or withdrew into her work to avoid spending too much time together.
In therapy, Jane revealed she had a tumultuous childhood, marked by an emotionally distant mother and a series of relationships that ended in betrayal. For her, she subconsciously equated intimacy with pain and thus pulled away from Alex—especially as their relationship started getting more serious.
Through our work together, Jane gradually became aware of her fears and the impact they were having on her relationship. By leading with intention and prioritizing healing her past trauma and learning to communicate her fears openly with Alex, Jane was able to slowly lower her defenses and build a more intimate, trusting relationship. She rewired her nervous system such that intimacy no longer felt like a threat.
With awareness, compassion, and a willingness to confront past wounds, it is possible to overcome the fear of intimacy and embrace the vulnerability that intimacy requires. As a Marin County sex therapist, it is deeply rewarding to work with clients who move through these fears and into more fulfilling, connected relationships.
If you’d like to work together on sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching, contact me.