How I Use Tantra in My Couples Work as an Online Sex Therapist
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Couples often come to me because they want to deepen their intimacy. They’re not connecting the way they used to or the way they desire to whether that’s because they’re not communicating well – they feel like they’re talking “at” one another instead of “to” one another – or they’re no longer having sex. In the case of the latter, I like to remind folx that sex remains important in long-term relationships, not just as a physical act but as a way to foster closeness, pleasure, and a sense of connection that can evolve and deepen over time. What it looks like and feels like may change over the evolution of a given relationship, but its role in maintaining intimacy and an emotional bond can remain just as vital.
Hand gently touching water, creating ripples that expand outward, symbolizing the transformative and interconnected nature of Tantra in couples therapy.
There’s an idea that long-term relationships inevitably trade excitement and desire for stability and comfort. A message around sex in long-term relationships is that it’s “natural” for sexual desire and frequency to die down. It does change in relationships because security, predictability, and safety don’t necessarily spur attraction the way that adventure, novelty, and mystery do, as Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel reminds us. However, that certainly doesn’t mean sex has to be taken off the table completely. And expanding one’s understanding of sexuality is key! Sex isn’t only a physical act —it encompasses emotional intimacy, connection, pleasure, and self-expression. From here out, please understand that the word “sex” is expansive. From this point forward, consider "sex" in its broadest, most inclusive sense.
That’s why I say sex remains important in relationships whether you’ve been together for 10 days,10 years, or even 40 years! For couples who are struggling with sexual connection, as an online sex therapist I incorporate tantra, which provides a pathway for sexual connection, but also deeper intimacy and presence. For many, their only exposure to Tantra comes from Sting’s well-known comments about marathon lovemaking sessions. If your understanding of Tantra is based on Sting’s tales of seven-hour tantric sex, it might seem intimidating—but I promise, it doesn’t have to be that intense!
First, it’s important to note tantra is a complex and multifaceted spiritual and philosophical tradition that originated in India. It’s an often misunderstood system, far more intricate than the popularized notions of prolonged intimacy. As a traditional practice with deep spiritual, philosophical, and embodied components, it requires dedicated study over time to truly understand its depth and meaning. I do the best I can with the study I’ve done—which is more than most, given my training as a yoga therapist—but I by no means consider myself a Tantra scholar.
You can read more about tantra here but for couples therapy and in my couples coaching programs, I emphasize that it’s about the integration and harmonization of polarities and opposites. This involves recognizing and reconciling dualities such as light and dark, masculine and feminine, and heaven and Earth. It seeks to transcend these dualities to reach a higher state of consciousness and unity of nonduality.
Tantra also nurtures mindful awareness and embodied experiences, making it especially valuable for addressing desire discrepancies, emotional disconnection, and sexual stagnation. But what does this look like in practice? When working with clients, I guide them through breathwork and eye gazing—practices that cultivate curiosity about their inner worlds while deepening their attunement to each other’s energy. This fosters emotional safety and connection. These simple yet powerful techniques, accessible to anyone, create a foundation for greater vulnerability, intimacy, and exploration.
Vulnerability is the key to intimacy because it allows someone else into your world. It’s about letting down your walls and defenses so another person can truly connect with you. Eye gazing and breathwork facilitate this process in deeply somatic ways. For example, synchronized breathing helps regulate the nervous system, creating a sense of harmony and connection. As you breathe together, you begin to feel more aligned, both physically and emotionally.
In other words, these tantric practices invite those I work with to engage with their own bodies and sensations. They’re slowing down so that they may get in touch with themselves, which helps them move beyond performance-oriented goals to cultivate pleasure. This brings back presence in their sexual and relational dynamics. Instead of racing to orgasm like with goal-oriented sex, or having a “sexual script” in mind, they’re returning to the here and now, which is where pleasure can be found.
Tantra inherently encourages the shift from, "What should I do?" to "How can I live more aligned with who I truly am?" It invites individuals to ask, "What feels good for my body from the inside?" rather than focusing on external questions like "What do I think I like?" or "Do I look sexy when I do X, Y, or Z?" or even, "What do I think I should like?" Tantra is a system that offers a variety of tools for holistic healing, helping individuals develop deeper self-awareness and connect authentically with their bodies and desires. Through practices like breathwork, eye gazing, and mindful movement, Tantra promotes emotional, physical, and spiritual alignment.
As an online sex therapist, I use tantra to help people access its profound potential to transform not just their sexual connection but their entire relationship. Tantra can help people feel closer to their partners in mind, body, and spirit.
If you’d like to try incorporating tantra into your relationship, reach out to me for an appointment. I’m available for online appointments and in-person ones at my Marin County office.